Who took the higher out of higher education?

Exactly who took the higher out of higher education? And, while we’re at it, what happened to the education part too?

For reference, I went to college at a time where there were very few aggressions, micro or otherwise, on campuses. It was back when the only need for safe spaces came when one had had enough of disco. (Fortunately, disco eventually had enough of itself and was soon relegated to the dustbin of history, along with other disasters from the 1970s, like platform shoes, the AMC Gremlin, and the Carter administration.)

Back then, gender studies usually took place on the weekends at frat parties or during certain professors’ office hours, if you catch my drift.

Today’s institutions of higher learning are merely extensions of adolescence, and that goes for the faculty too. Nineteen is the new eight! Students must be protected and coddled. No idea is too dumb to be adopted as policy. For college presidents, no perceived slight is, well, slight enough to not apologize for. (“I’m sorry I’m white and a male. Why couldn’t I have been Oprah Winfrey?”)

Today’s college: Where the free exchange of ideas goes to die.

At this point we need to define a few things so that everyone can understand life on today’s college campuses.

Microagression

A slight so microscopic that only a humanities major can detect it. Remarkably, it is still big enough to force university presidents to appear at show trials and confess to non-existent sins, like being insufficiently culturally sensitive to the Mexican food menu at the student union. (It’s cultural appropriation, dammit! Go have some bologna.) Joseph Stalin would really love today’s American university.

Safe Space

A spot designated as “safe” from any opinion that might differ, however slightly, from one’s own opinion. For nearly any college in America, a safe space is defined as the entire campus.

Free Speech Zone

Free speech zones are designated areas where one can say anything one wants. Free speech zones have been getting smaller and smaller to the point where they actually no longer exist on college campuses. (See Safe Space above.)  Fortunately, there are plenty of bars near college campuses where beer – and sometimes speech – still flows freely.

Speech Codes

There are certain words or phrases that cannot be spoken on college campuses. I remember that quaint notion where the First Amendment actually protected free speech.. That is so 20^th Century!

What words would violate most speech codes, you ask? Well, open a dictionary and remove the words “white” and “privilege.” Everything that remains is off limits.

Trigger Warning

A “proceed with caution” warning that must precede any document, book, class syllabus, movie, video where there could possibly, maybe, conceivably, be something offensive to any human being anywhere (except, of course, if one is a white male). Naturally, the Constitution must be littered with trigger warnings and Tom Sawyer – don’t even open the cover.

Included within every trigger warning is a map listing all of the nearby safe spaces.

Sensitivity Training

This is where one who commits a microagression, speaks freely outside of a Free Speech Zone, or in any way violates a campus speech code is sent. Mao Tse-tung would really love today’s American university.

Next, let’s take a look at some of what passes for study disciplines now.

Gender Studies

This isn’t nearly as easy as it sounds, given that at last count there were around 57 different genders. Not only that, but they are clogging up most of the letter of the alphabet. There’s L, followed by B, G, T and Q. Pretty soon, they will have to add a few more letters, especially some new vowels, to accommodate all of the genders.

A degree in gender studies isn’t completely worthless as it will secure a spot every four years as a Democratic convention delegate. Okay, so it is completely worthless.

Peace Studies

Getting a degree in peace studies means learning how to be totally irrelevant. Peace means being Poland during the Cold War, where Polish leaders couldn’t pick out their own socks to wear without first calling the Kremlin. (“It’s brown today. It’s brown tomorrow too. Actually, it’s brown every day, but call anyway.”) But those Poles sure were a peaceful bunch in those days, although I think those Soviet tanks lurking nearby may have had something to do with it.

Library Science

Library? What’s that? I haven’t seen one of those since I last made a call from a pay phone.

Black Studies

For those who are all about inclusiveness, it’s important to have a degree all to yourself. While this may seem like a useless degree, it practically guaranties you a shot at hosting your own weekend show on MSNBC. That might sound impressive until you realize that over the past 10 years more people have seen Jimmy Hoffa than have watched MSNBC on the weekends (or weekdays, for that matter).

Puppetry

No, this has nothing to do with Hillary Clinton and her big Wall Street speaking fees. Rather, it has to do with, well, I’m not exactly sure. But I am sure that mom will be really proud when she sees you and your puppet at the next Black Lives Matter rally.

Archeology

Archeology is the study of past, long-forgotten civilizations and cultures through the discovery and examination of physical artifacts. Since today’s college students don’t buy into the idea that anything really existed before they did, archeology to them means digging up a pair of platform shoes and an AMC Gremlin.

Child and Family Studies

Let’s be honest, no amount of studying can prepare anyone for having kids. And don’t even get me started on the in-laws!

Maybe Bernie Sanders is right – if college is going to be so worthless, it might as well be free.