Can’t anybody here play this game?

While watching his futile 1962 Mets team, losers of 120 games, give another dismal performance, manager Casey Stengel reportedly quipped, “Can’t anybody here play this game?” The Mets didn’t try to lose, yet they did it with remarkable regularity.

The 2016 presidential campaign is shaping up much the same way. It’s hard to see that either party is really trying to win.

On the Republican side, we haven’t seen this much sniping since Chris Kyle was in Iraq. The conservatives hate Donald Trump. The populists hate the conservatives. The Trumpites hate everybody, especially Fox News. I wish we could bring back the good old days when Republicans actually hated the other side. You know, like MSNBC, Starbucks and Barbra Streisand.

This is an election year where the Republican nominee could win just by showing up, sort of like when you get 400 points for merely writing your name on the SAT form. But GOP presidential candidates are learning that voters actually expect you to do what you say you will do in your campaign. If that’s the case, winning may not be that much fun anymore.

Let’s take a quick look at where things stand heading into the Iowa caucuses.

Donald Trump:

Trump is the non-establishment non-politician candidate. He has been leading in every poll since seemingly the beginning of time. And just in case you forget, he’ll remind you. He recently picked up the endorsement of Sarah Palin. Trump figures that if he can get the endorsements of several other reality TV stars he can win the Republican nomination, not to mention a couple of Emmy nominations as well. (Khloe Kardashian remains uncommitted.)

Most conservatives oppose Trump’s campaign as his history indicates that he is often far from conservative. In fact, one can safely claim that Trump advances the cause of conservatism in much the same way that Adam Sandler advances the cause of movie comedy.

No matter what he says or does, his popularity remains sky high among a certain contingent of GOP voters. He is much like the first baseman for the 1962 Mets, Marvelous Marv Throneberry, who could barely catch a thrown ball, yet remained immensely popular with Mets fans.

Ted Cruz:

Cruz has spent some time recently fending off claims, primarily lodged by Trump, that he is ineligible to be president because he was born in Canada. In response, Cruz says, “I’m not a Canadian, eh.”

His campaign may soon launch an attack on Trump, claiming that he could actually be ineligible to be president himself, asserting that he wasn’t actually born, but hatched.

He is the non-establishment politician candidate who has actually won an election before. Many GOP members of the Senate don’t like Cruz because he doesn’t get along with them. One of those Senators is John McCain. The current version of John McCain should not be confused with the previous version of John McCain, who didn’t get along with GOP members of the Senate.

Marco Rubio:

Rubio is trailing both Trump and Cruz while running as the non-establishment establishment candidate. Immigration continues to be a major topic in the campaign. Rubio has seemingly been on both sides of the amnesty debate, not to mention on top and underneath it. If there were a few more sides to it, he would support and oppose those too.

He is from Florida, where they have a lot of old people. Old people always vote, if they don’t die first. Rubio believes this will help him in the Florida primary – voting that is, not dying. (Although, as we know, death rarely inhibits Democrats from casting ballots.)

Chris Christie:

Christie is the semi-establishment weight loss candidate who has seemingly come from nowhere (we call it Newark) to become a bit of a dark horse in the GOP race. His Bridgegate controversy behind him (like traffic jams are unusual in New Jersey?), he remains gruff and combative, which means he can do well in New Jersey. Unfortunately, they vote in places like Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina first.

Ben Carson:

Carson is the non-establishment non-politician candidate, who can also do brain surgery. (Trump will tell you that brain surgery is not that big of a deal, not like, you know, real estate development.) After a brief flirtation with being a front-runner, he has faded back into the pack. Members of the press have tried to paint the neurosurgeon as maybe not so bright about stuff that doesn’t require a scalpel.

Jeb Bush:

Bush is the establishment establishment candidate. (Not to be confused with the establishment non-establishment candidate – see Marco Rubio above.) The son of a former president and brother of another, Jeb claims to be his own man. (“Is it okay if I say that, dad?”) He has a very large campaign war chest and a very small following. In fact, so far he has only picked up a couple of endorsements,  from his mom (reluctantly) and one of the Olsen twins.

Carly Fiorina:

Fiorina is the non-establishment business candidate. She previously ran for the United State Senate in California and lost. It makes perfect sense to then run for president. She peaked earlier in the campaign as the best of the second tier candidates. Unfortunately, that’s a bit like being the tallest player in a six-feet and under basketball league.

Rand Paul:

Paul serves as the libertarian non-establishment candidate, which is a bit redundant. You may recall that he strongly opposes NSA spying on Americans. That would seem to be a popular position to take since most people oppose the government spying on them. Yet Paul remains in single digits in polling. Perhaps people realize that publicly supporting Paul practically guaranties the NSA will be snooping into their online purchases. (You spent how much on Viagra from that Canadian pharmacy?)

John Kasich:

The Ohio governor seems to think that scolding people, and when I say people, I mean everybody, is the path to the White House. People, and when I say people, I mean everybody, seem to disagree.

There are also unconfirmed reports that Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and some guy named Jim Gilmore are still running.

But if you think the Republican field is a mess, let’s consider the Democrats.

First, there are people in the witness protection program who get more public exposure than the Democratic candidates have gotten through the debate process. In fact, the Democratic National Committee has made it a point to ensure that Hillary Clinton appears to the American people as argon, an invisible, colorless, odorless gas. Colorless, certainly, but the stench of Clinton’s past (and present) permeates any space she inhabits. Which brings us to…

Hillary Clinton:

As I have said before, Hillary Clinton has more baggage than American Tourister. She travels with a Secret Service detail, not to mention a large contingent of FBI agents. Iowa and New Hampshire voters are proud to be the first and second in the nation to cast primary votes during each presidential election year. With the email server investigation looming over Clinton’s head, this year they may also be the few to vote for her before she is indicted.

She remains staunch in her defense that there was nothing wrong with using her own private email on a server that was kept in somebody’s bathroom in Colorado. Not to worry, we are told, it was flushed daily.

Yet, Clinton remains the front-runner. Her trustworthiness persists as one of her many problems. As we saw in a recent Democratic town hall meeting, even young kids don’t trust her – and they are usually so gullible that they think Bernie Sanders’ economic policies make sense.

Which brings us to…

Bernie Sanders:

Sanders, an avowed socialist, appeals to anyone who lacks even the slightest comprehension of economics, i.e., most Democrats. The International Monetary Fund recently predicted that inflation in socialist Venezuela will reach 700% this year. If you love the Venezuelan economy, you’re going to love Bernie Sanders.

He recently admitted that he would raise taxes to fund his policy priorities. This came as a severe shock to his supporters, many of whom believe that money comes from the policy priority tree.

But give Sanders credit, he actually believes the stuff that comes out of his mouth, unlike the Democratic front-runner.

And then there is Martin O’Malley. Who? Why?

This is the best the Democrats have to offer? If they were actually trying to lose they certainly couldn’t do much better.

So this is what we have, America. Vote – and then duck. Suddenly, the 1962 Mets don’t look so bad.