Children – Yours, Mine and Ours (But Mostly Yours)

Good old MSNBC. The cable network that manages ratings that are barely above those of the Shoelace Channel, managed to stir up a little noise recently with one of their promotional ads. For those who are unfamiliar with MSNBC’s marketing campaign, “Lean Forward” (and really, who would be?), the ads feature various network hosts talking about something that makes no sense (much like regular MSNBC programming). For example, one ad features host Rachel Maddow standing on top of the Hoover Dam talking about how America doesn’t have small things in its future, it has big things. Clearly she was talking about food stamp enrollment (big and getting way bigger), the White House entertainment budget (Sequester? What sequester?), or the national debt (much too large to fit inside the Hoover Dam). She couldn’t have been talking about things like dams. There isn’t a liberal this side of Martha’s Vineyard that wouldn’t be lining up to sue everybody at the slightest hint of a Hoover Dam-sized project. And Rachel, you’re on top of the Hoover Dam, don’t lean forward too much, it’s a long way down.

The most recent ad featured weekend host Melissa Harris-Perry discussing children. Kids, according to Ms. Harris-Perry, are everyone’s responsibility. We (meaning the Neanderthals otherwise known as Americans) “haven’t had a very collective notion that these are our children.” We seem to have this dopey idea that kids belong to their parents. Instead, Ms. Harris-Perry believes that kids belong to whole communities. Ms. Harris-Perry seems like a bright person. She currently is a professor at Tulane University and previously taught at the University of Chicago and Princeton. Why, then, would she have such a lame Hillary-esque notion that kids belong to everybody? Perhaps the notion of MSNBC-indoctrinated youth gangs goose-stepping to the sound of a bombastic Chris Matthews soliloquy is just too tantalizing.

(A side note: Given who gets hired these days to teach college students, I’m not sure being a college professor is all that impressive anymore. For example, Columbia University recently hired Weather Underground terrorist and convicted murderer, Kathy Boudin, as an adjunct professor. This is an interesting juxtaposition against Rutgers University’s recent firing of Mike Rice as their basketball coach for abusive behavior toward his players. Rutgers deservedly canned Rice after video showed him throwing balls at players, being otherwise physically abusive and using homophobic slurs. Apparently, Columbia University justified the hiring of Boudin by noting she only killed a few people but she never actually threw a ball at anybody and they’re pretty sure she hurled no homophobic names at anyone – anyone outside of prison, that is. I hope her students have bomb-sniffing dogs as pets, just in case.)

Let me return to the collectivization of child rearing notions of Ms. Harris-Perry. If she is all in with the idea, then I am too. Tomorrow I will be forwarding my son’s college tuition bill to her. I’m sure she’ll gladly pay it. Yes, I know that she said in a follow up article that she didn’t really want my kids. That’s okay, I don’t really want her to have them. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know their names. Heck, I can barely remember their names. I just want her to pay for them. That’s why I will also be sending her requests for reimbursement for the following additional items:

Various and sundry past birthday presents for both sons including, but not limited to Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Nintendo DS, Xbox, PlayStation, two pairs of rollerblades, a skateboard and a drum kit.

Registration fees for soccer leagues (grades 1 through 3), T-ball (Kindergarten only) basketball leagues (grades 2-10).

Musical instrument rental – viola (grade 3 only)

Three Power Rangers lunch boxes, one Teenager Mutant Ninja Turtles lunch box, Spiderman shoes and 152 haircuts.

Further, the next time you are on a five hour non-stop plane trip and the toddler sitting behind you thinks the back of your seat is needed for him to perfect his version of the Harlem Shake, feel free to take matters into your own hands. Hey, he’s your kid too, right? And if your own kids (you remember, the ones that used to belong to you) get into trouble by, say, stealing Ms. Harris-Perry’s hyphen, well, sorry but that’s now the community’s problem. The kids probably just want to play with it for a while. They’ll give it back, although it might be a little bent. In the meantime, I’ll let her have my neighbor’s apostrophe. After all, apostrophes are meant to be possessive, but really, shouldn’t they be the collective responsibility of the whole community?

Curtice Mang is the author of the new book, The Constitution – I’m Not Kidding and Other Tales of Liberal Folly. He can be contacted at www.mangwrites.com, where one can also purchase his book; or contact Curtice at mangwrites at cox.net.