Climate change – it’s not just for weather anymore

Recently, President Obama suggested that climate change “helped create the instability in Nigeria that was exploited by Boko Haram.” He further claimed that it was at least partially responsible for the civil war in Syria. Heck, it’s even a national security issue.

There seems to be almost nothing that is not caused at least in part by climate change, if you ask Barack Obama. It can be the all-purpose cause for all things. So, let’s take a look at some other occurrences that are almost certainly the result of climate change.

The length of major league baseball games

In the supposedly cooler 1970s, the average time of a major league baseball game was much shorter than today. A clear correlation, I think. And the shortest major league baseball game in history occurred in 1919 when the New York Giants dispatched of the Philadelphia Phillies 6-1 in a mere 51 minutes. The earth must have been downright chilly in 1919.

Teenage acne

But, teenage acne has been around for as long as, well, teenagers have been around, you say. True, but in today’s much warmer society, age 30 is the new 17. And if one is approaching 30 and is still living in mom’s basement while playing video games and eating Cheetos, how are one’s pores supposed to know any different?

Erectile dysfunction

This might actually be a good thing. If erectile dysfunction were not a problem, men, and by extension the entire planet, would be even hotter.

Adam Sandler movies

For some reason, movie studio executives are under some bizarre climate change delusion that Adam Sandler makes movies that are funny. We can assume that if we were in a global cooling trend, that Adam Sandler doesn’t make funny movies would be readily apparent to the Hollywood suits.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign                                               

Hillary Clinton seems to be a serial campaign re-launcher. Her campaign has had more kickoffs than an NFL game. If not for climate change, certainly one disastrous campaign launch would have been sufficient for Hillary to realize that maybe she should just stick to shaking down foreign governments for cash.

Kaitlyn Jenner

All I know is that back in the 1970s when all-purpose alarmist Paul Erlich was worried about global cooling, Kaitlyn was Bruce and he was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, not Vanity Fair.

SweeTarts

It used to be the sweet and tart candy came in recognizable flavors. Green was lime, not apple, they still included orange in the mix, and there were no blue SweeTarts. Blue, for God’s sake! If that isn’t a result of climate change, I don’t know what is.

The collapse of the Soviet Union

Sure, the Soviet Union fell apart in 1991, back when Al Gore was a slightly less obnoxious senator from Tennessee. Conservatives like to credit Ronald Reagan’s military buildup and his tough stance toward Soviet communism that led to the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Liberals prefer to credit anything else. So, why not climate change? That Gorbachev, he was way ahead of his time.

British spelling

The British have a propensity for replacing the letter “z” with the letter “s” in many words. Recognize becomes recognise, paralyze turns into paralyse. I’m told that this difference has existed for centuries, but I’m not buying it.

Fortunately, the Coast Guard spell checkers are on the case.

NASCAR

As far as the popularity of this sport goes, there simply can be no other explanation.

Kale

Before climate change became an issue, who ever heard of kale?

Curtice Mang is the author of the two books, including his latest book, The Smell of Politics: The Good, The Bad, and the Odorous. He is also co-host of the radio program Graceland with Jennifer Meadows, heard on WNJC 1360. He can be contacted at www.mangwrites.com, where one can also purchase his books; or contact Curtice at mangwrites at cox.net.