Hillary takes personal responsibility – for blaming everyone else

Hillary Clinton recently spoke at a “Women for Women” event in New York City. (I’m not sure if there is a competing “Women against Women” event, but never mind.) During the event, Clinton included a laundry list of those who were responsible for her losing the presidential election to Donald Trump. Remarkably, none were named Hillary Clinton.

Here is Hillary’s list of the reasons for her election loss:

James Comey

As the Director of the FBI, Comey had the audacity to actually investigate my secret bathroom email server I set up while I was Secretary of State. Twice! Didn’t he know that I’m a Clinton and there are no rules for Clintons? Ask anybody, like me or Bill. Heck, ask Chelsea, if you can catch her in between accepting another award for being…Chelsea.

Wikileaks

Wikileaks actually published internal Democratic emails about the campaign, thereby exposing the truth. Those bastards! I hate the truth!

Anthony Weiner

Huma Abedin forwarded many classified emails she received from me to Weiner. It’s not like Weiner would ever do anything improper, right?

Russia

Those damn Russians! If they only liked me better, they would have colluded with my campaign and then we wouldn’t even be having this discussion over who’s to blame for such a wretched campaign.

The Cossacks

Those damn Russian Cossacks! There actually hasn’t been a Cossack sighting in about 70 years, but, well, what difference at this point does it make?

Barack Obama

If he didn’t run in 2008 I would have been a shoe-in then. Instead he runs and everybody thinks he’s all that because of his race. Joe Biden said he was appealing because he was clean. Big damn deal, I’m a woman! And I shower almost every day. It was my turn in 2008.

Then he makes me Secretary of State. I didn’t want the damn job, but Bill said it would be great and I could waltz into the presidency in 2016. It was my turn in 2016, but compared to Obama I looked like left over pot roast. I hate pot roast! If I was never Secretary of State I wouldn’t have needed that damn server and Comey wouldn’t’ have been on my back about it. Barack, you owe me.

Analytics

My campaign really relied a lot and spent heavily on analytics, My staff believed that it would be far better to rely on that than a candidate as lousy as me. Unfortunately, they used baseball analytics. As a result, during the second debate with Trump, moving the third baseman to the right side of second base and the second baseman to shallow right field proved pretty worthless and in retrospect didn’t really seem to make any sense.

Chicago Cubs

Of all the years they pick to win the World Series they decide to do it in 2016. Why couldn’t they do as they have done for the last 107 years? Instead, they make everybody think that anything is possible, like Donald Trump getting elected. And I was even a Cubs fan. Or was it the Yankees? I hate the Cubs! I hate baseball!

The Woman Factor

If I were a man I would have beaten Trump. It’s all of his misogynist supporters. They wouldn’t vote for me because I’m a woman. Sure, I’m bitchy and difficult to get along with, but so is Bill and everybody loved Bill, especially women. Um, never mind.

Fox News

Those creeps over at Fox News never play fair. Why didn’t they just toe the line like the rest of the media? The New York Times, Washington Post, NBC, ABC and CBS were all in my corner. MSNBC was a huge cheerleader, as expected. Sure they are a bunch of clowns there, but they were my clowns.

But the Fox folks are sorta conservative for some reason. Plus, they think I lie and cheat and steal. Yeah, so? I don’t get their point?

This is by no means an exhaustive list. Fortunately, Clinton has stated that she will be writing a book about the campaign. There can be no telling how many people she can blame in 400 pages or so. Alas, Hillary Clinton will still not be among them.