Let’s Just Ban Everything Smaller Than a Softball

If we really care about our children we’ll ban anything they can fit in their mouths.  Think about all the dangers we could avoid if we were to ban jacks, dice, happy meal toys, or anything small enough to fit into the mouth of an infant – or teenager.  I mean, they could swallow these things – or choke on them.  We should just err on the side of safety and ban anything smaller than a softball.  After all, people are too stupid to be trusted not to give their children just any old thing to play with.  The only solution is to prevent the possibility in the first place.

This brilliant idea was prompted by the news that the federal government, in an effort to protect our children, has decided to ban the popular Buckyball desktop magnet.

Yahoo! is evidently 100% on board with this idea in their “news” reportage, they imply that Buckyball creator Craig Zucker is just taking this too personally.  (He obviously hates children.)

“As a small business owner I’m left wondering what to tell my employees and their families. How can this happen in America,” grandstanded Zucker.

What do his company and it’s employees matter.  This is about children eating his products.

A callous friend of mine suggested that people who let their kids eat rare earth magnets are perhaps evincing proof of natural selection with regard to the gene pool.   He is obviously a heartless conservative (who has 4 wonderful children – and who happens to have a set of these malicious products on his desk – at work.)  If he really cared, he’d return these magnets to Amazon immediately, before he inadvertently takes them home and feeds them to his children.

But why stop at banning Buckyballs?   We should also ban cars.  Every year, between 30 and 40 children die as a result of being left in hot cars by negligent parents.  This does not even count the thousands of other children who have died in automobile accidents.  Just think of all the lives we could save if we banned cars!  Wouldn’t it be worth it to guarantee that no child ever died in another car?   If we are willing to ban Buckyballs and no one has died (thank goodness) yet from eating them, why stop there?