Trump vs Clinton: And the winner is…

A conservative columnist whom I hold in high esteem recently wrote a column in which the headline referred to deciding between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump as a Hobson’s Choice. Well, the only Hobson I’m familiar with is Butch Hobson, former major league third baseman from 1975-82. I have no idea what his political persuasion is and don’t particularly care. Butch can vote as he chooses.

Butch Hobson notwithstanding, I too can vote as I choose. As a concerned and knowledgeable citizen, I must weigh the pros and cons of each candidate when making a decision. So, Trump or Clinton, the choice is…hey, Butch, who you voting for again?

Let us compare the candidates.

Trump: He seems a bit uninformed on many foreign policy issues. He thinks the Iraq War was a mistake and leans towards a more isolationist world view. Hey, European Union, do you want to pick up some of the slack for NATO already? At least leave a tip once in a while.

And what’s even going on with NATO anyway? Last year, it extended an invitation to Montenegro to join the alliance. Montenegro? Only 600,000 people live there. More people than that contributed to, er, attended Chelsea’s wedding.

Clinton: She appears to know quite a bit about foreign policy, which is sort of a requirement to be Secretary of State, even in the Obama administration. Nevertheless, everything she knows about foreign policy is wrong. Not just sort of wrong, but spectacularly wrong. Libya, Russian reset, Syria’s Assad is a reformer. Honest, I’m not making this stuff up.

Advantage: Trump

Clinton: She looks dandy in an orange jumpsuit, especially if she’s picking up trash along the side of the highway while wearing chains on her ankles.

Trump: He’s not so attractive in orange, particularly when it’s the spray on tan variety.

Advantage: Clinton

Trump: He is a bit of a cad and a louse. By his own admission, he has been a real ladies man throughout his life.

Clinton: She’s married to a cad and a louse. We might as well go with the real deal, rather than someone who would contract it out.

Advantage: Trump

Trump: He is entertaining and energetic. He generates a lot of enthusiasm, even if not all of it is positive. The mainstream media loves him, until the general election, then they’ll hate him.

Clinton: I’ve got nothing here. Even many Democrats are less enthusiastic about Hillary than they are about cold sores. Cold sores eventually go away and almost never have their hand in your pocket. Not so the Clintons. She exudes less warmth than a January morning in Duluth.

Advantage: Trump

Trump: He put away 16 other GOP presidential candidates, all of them better than Hillary Clinton, even Lindsey Graham.

Clinton: She had no serious competition for the Democratic nomination, yet still hasn’t put away Bernie Sanders, an avowed socialist who honeymooned in the Soviet Union. I’m not even sure Stalin did that.

Advantage: Trump

Trump: He wants to build a wall at the southern border to keep out illegal border crossers. He also says he will get Mexico to pay for it. I don’t know about that last part, since Mexico can’t seem to pay for much that is actually in its own country.

I think he understands that there are actually immigration laws somewhere in this country and maybe enforcing them would be a good idea.

Clinton: She favors a wall around her Chappaqua, New York estate, around the White House to keep out bad characters (yes, that means you, Joe Biden), and around wherever she happens to be speaking to Goldman Sachs executives. But a wall to keep out illegal voters, er, border crossers, no way.

And even though she would never build the wall, under a Clinton presidency the American taxpayers would still end up paying for it.

Advantage: Trump

Clinton: She supports raising the minimum wage. Unlike Bernie Sanders, she wants the federal minimum wage to increase to $12 and then wants the states to increase their own minimum wage higher than that. Or, maybe she wants to raise it to $15. Either way, she wants both the Feds and the states to collectively bankrupt small businesses.

Trump: He thinks the minimum wage should be higher. Or, maybe he doesn’t. But, whatever, the states should do it. Or not.

Advantage: None

Trump: He seems to think that judges sign legislative bills.

Clinton: She understands that judges don’t sign bills, although they somehow still create laws. She’s in favor of judges creating laws. Come to think of it, President Obama creates laws too. The only branch of the government that doesn’t see to create laws anymore is Congress. Go figure.

Advantage: Clinton

Trump: He says what’s on his mind. It’s often crass, politically incorrect and can change from day to day.

Clinton: She says what is on other people’s minds. Lately, it’s been what is on Bernie Sanders’ mind. Once she dispatches with him in the Democratic primaries, she’ll find somebody else. It won’t be Bill, though, since his mind is often off thinking about interns and that stuff that went on at that private island.

Advantage: Trump

Trump: In a hard hitting expose, the New York Times reported that Trump once told a woman that she seemed to like candy.

Clinton: I think she once told Monica Lewinsky something, but I’m almost certain it had nothing to do with candy.

Advantage: None

Clinton: By all accounts she is a woman. This, she believes, is enough to get her elected. She better hope she is right, because her policy positions, personality, accomplishments, and demeanor certainly won’t get it done.

Trump: He is a male…and a white one at that.

Advantage: None. In this new transgender world, being male or female (or a pony) is merely a state of mind.

Trump: He just announced 11 people whom he would consider nominating to the Supreme Court. All of them are conservative and none of them are Mark Cuban.

Hillary: Can you say Justice Abedin?

Advantage: Trump

If my math is correct, the choice is obvious. It’s Trump. Canada, you’d better prepare for an influx of left-wing American celebrities. Canadians, start the chant now: Build the wall!